The other day our bus stopped as I was going back to my village, apparently because there appeared to be a fight on the side of the road. All of the other 20 passengers got off, leaving me alone on the bus, drawn by curiosity. I watched as a large muscle-bound man holding a scrawny guy by the collar appeared to defend his actions to the gathered group. The skinny guy occasionally screamed, and the burly man occasionally took a swing at him while he talked to the crowd. I couldn’t hear what was going on, but eventually everyone got back on the bus, and I got the story. The little guy had stolen the big guy’s cell phone. The passengers became the improvised jury, and their unanimous verdict was “guilty.” The most bone-chilling thing was that each passenger was shaking his head as he boarded, saying “he’ll kill the guy.” Their verdict meant that the big man was free to deliver whatever punishment he desired, and they all agreed that this would be death.

I’ve seen mobs chasing after thieves in this country (makes you think that a person must be either very desperate or very self-confident to steal anything), but I guess the passengers thought that the buff guy could handle the punishment himself. I’ve heard many stories of thieves being burned alive. Before I had time to get my thoughts together, the bus was on its way again. I’m left to wonder if I could have done anything to help the situation. A friend later told me that it was best not to get involved because the people could turn on me. My friend reassured me that the little man wouldn’t be killed because of the fear of retaliation from his friends, but that could have just been to make me feel better.

Here’s another quiz:

Which of these are the most common phrases shouted at me in English when I’m in town:
a. Good morning sir!
b. Welcome to Tanzania!
c. Give me my money!
d. What is my name?
e. Long live Bush!

The correct answers are a, c, and d. It can be any hour of the day or night and I can be wearing a dress and I am peppered with shouts of “good morning sir!” There is some problem in the school English program that causes people to mix up personal possessive pronouns. A girl told my friend “give me my money!” He replied that he didn’t have her money. “Do you have my money?” he asked. She thought for a second, then said “yes.” “Well then, can I have it please?” he asked. She didn’t give it to him.

Here are some facts about America are sure to shock people in the village:
a. There are other religions besides Christianity and Islam.
b. There’s no ugali (stiff corn porridge) in the US.
c. Bin Laden isn’t American.
d. Not everyone in America is a farmer. In fact, only about 1% of Americans are farmers.
e. We aren’t worried whenever we go up to the second or third floors of a building that they will cave in.
f. When actors on television kill each other, it isn’t real.
g. Americans don’t all own guns

Here are the top 10 most common conversations I have with villagers:
1. Difficulty of English vs Swahili and unintelligibility of American accents (and inevitable imitation of a common phrase such as “Get me some water” pronounced “Gemme smwadder”)
2. How long have you been in the village and what are you doing here (and why the hell don’t you buy a car)?
3. My name is Gail, not Girl
4. How much does a plane ticket to America cost (and will you buy me one if I’m really good?)?
5. Tanzania is a peaceful country, not like America (and my answer always points out that you won’t see teachers beating students or men openly beating their wives in America).
6. Farming in America (you are all rich, you must all have tractors!).
7. I’m on a two-year contract, and no, I won’t be staying longer.
8. Education in America
9. Are you married? Are you getting married in Tanzania? Will you marry me?
10. Gender equality (and my explanation of why you would not want to marry me… you’d have to do at least half of the housework).
11. What kind of oil do you use on your hair?
12. Do you drink bamboo juice or “common” (fermented corn drink with the consistency and taste of week-old vomit)?