If You've Never Lived ina Hot, Humid Climate . . .

There are a few things you should know.

1. You may think you are eating alone, but really, hoards of ants are watching every bite you take. If you leave so much as a morsel of food or a molecule of sugar lying around, they and all their buddies will arrive on scene immediately, having activated the same mysterious system that makes sure your entire college campus knows the instant someone even thinks about throwing a kegger. I guess the Alaskan insects are uncoordinated and stingy by comparison… I grew up leaving cereal and cracker boxes open; if an ant ever did find them, he’d probably feel like he’d won the lottery. But he wouldn’t share, and he’d probably eat just enough to get a tummy-ache.

2. Your clothes and shoes are harboring a tiny odor-causing ecosystem, ready to wreak havoc on your nostrils when the temperature rises. A pair of shoes that you wore running only at -40 degrees, fooling you into thinking it was harmless, suddenly blossoms into a stunner of a stink-bomb with the 120F degree difference.

3. The people who live in these humid climates have magical sweat glands that they can close, much like their eyelids, on special occasions for which one is not supposed to sweat (conferences, festivals, TV appearances and dances). If you have not grown up here, chances are you haven’t mastered sweat-gland-control techniques. This could earn you some unpleasant nicknames.

4. If you have never lived in such a climate, you may reach a temperature in which you are no longer able to function coherently. You may become disgusted by the thought of interacting with people, even really attractive ones. People won’t take pity on you, or even understand you when you tell them that you’ve been denatured. They will look at your sweaty hair in disgust and tell you to get back to work. Worst of all they will remember everything you say as if it were said by a sane, sober person. Best to hide in your house until night-time.

5. People will tell you that you shouldn’t do certain temperature-related things, like get caught in the rain, drink cold things in the morning, or take a shower after exercising. You will scoff at them, and then promptly come down with whatever disease they said you would get. It may be karma, or it may be science.

6. Alaska has no snakes, but hot places generally do. And because indoor and outdoor temperature is the same, wildlife likes to waltz in like it owns the place. This is fine when it’s something cute and cuddly, or inherently cool, like a frog, but when a snake is doing the waltzing it’s not so great. People are supposed to have an innate fear of snakes, which makes them react even to something long and coiled that only remotely resembles the shape of a snake. You may have lost some of this reaction due to lack of use, which could be dangerous. Try having a friend place some shoelaces or hoses in different places around your house and practice shrieking with fright every time you see them.

In summary, in order to fit in when you find yourselves in steamy weather, you should probably practice obsessive cleaning, refrain from showering after exercising, keep your shoes in the freezer, and hide in your house while learning to blink your sweat-glands and screaming at your shoelaces. Otherwise people will think you are a freak.


Dear Every Sixth Man on the Street,

I know I’ve been playing hard to get, but I finally want to tell you how it touches me every time you shout sweet nothings at me as I walk by. It must have been love at first sight. How do I know? Well, it could have been the way our eyes met. Or it could have been the way you called out “I love you, little gringa” from 50 meters away from the back of a pickup that was pulling away on that first encounter. I wasn’t totally convinced, until, after calling my attention with a sound that doubles as a dog-shooing command, you said “what a beautiful little thing you are.” The originality of it just gets me you know? Every time. I know that every time you toss a “Beautiful little doll!” my direction, what you’re really saying is “I respect you for your mind.” And when you told me I looked pretty, well, that’s probably the moment I began to suspect we were meant for each other. I’ve got to say I was a bit confused at first as to who you were in love with, because you said “Hello babies” and “My loves” a few times when I was walking with my friends, but I knew you really just meant me. And of course I was SO impressed that you said it in English… I never imagined you knew English! By the way I’m sure your wife really doesn’t suspect anything when you make those kissing noises and call “Come here, my precious!” at me from your doorway while she’s washing your clothes. I have to say it wasn’t until the day you pulled up your shirt and inserted your ring-finger right into your belly-button that I knew I was smitten. And that thing with the eyebrows? Others might call it creepy, but I think it’s really one of your best attributes.

I know others probably don’t understand the depth of our complicated relationship, or might argue that you’re old enough to be my grandfather/use 2 pounds too much hair grease/view me as an object, but please just let me know how we can take it to the next level.

Love always,

Gringita preciosa

*Note: The majority of Honduran men I actually know are wonderful, bright, respectful people who are disgusted or at least amused by the actions of their peers.